Do you ever have days during the week that are just bipolar from one day to the next? That exact thing happened to me on Thursday and Friday. I had already woken up Thursday morning upset from something from the night before, and the intermittent sleep that I’d had that night was anything but restful even though I guess I did slip into unconsciousness for the briefest of times before my alarm fully put any thoughts of further rest out of my grasp. I got up and ready for the workday even though my thoughts and soul were heavy. I was just glad that I hadn’t gotten called into work in the middle of the night seeing as I was one of the folks on-call and I could have been blasted into wakefulness from the Beatles’ “Help!” as you well know at any time. I did my 3-minute makeup routine before heading downstairs and out of the door and just trying to psyche myself out to be ready for whatever the day held. Luckily, I had the next day off, so as long as I could make it through these last 24 hours, I would have the freedom of a 3-day weekend.
My work day went ahead fairly smooth and by the end of the day, there were only two last cases to finish up before my on-call buddy and I could head out and try to get some rest. The last case in my room was going to be fairly involved, but seeing as how we had three doctors in the room, as well as the medical product rep ensuring that they were using the device correctly, I didn’t think this was going to be too strenuous of a case. The patient got rolled into the room by the nurse, and even though he didn’t look great, he was still fully in his mental capabilities and talking to all of us as we attached all the necessary vitals monitors and I got the table ready for the docs before they came to scrub in. Everything went off without a hitch, and we made sure he was comfortable in his slightly elevated position to make sure he was able to breathe easily. The docs got started into the procedure with the rep directing their moves, and just when I thought we were going to be winding down soon, the patient started complaining that he was having trouble breathing. A nurse leapt into action, giving the patient additional oxygen support with a mask, but things went south pretty fast afterwards. Whether it was because the patient seemed to be having a panic attack and essentially making it even harder to breathe, it came to the point where we had to call a code and get the emergency team to our room stat. Luckily, my on-call partner had just finished with his case and came to my room to see how things were going when all of the organized chaos was just getting started. I was at the patient’s head helping to bag oxygen to him while the nurse held the mask firmly to his face with the patient essentially hyperventilating. The team arrived quickly and took over from us while we stood by and waited for them to ask us for anything they needed that we could gather quickly. The patient was still awake and even though he was breathing heavily, he kept stating he couldn’t breathe. That’s when things went from bad to worse and CPR was started. Two big medical techs who probably weighed 150 pounds more than me each took it in turns to administer CPR, stopping only when they were alerted to so that a pulse check could be done. They would find one, and then it would fade away, causing them to start CPR again. This happened many times over about the next 30-40 minutes with them doing the CPR-pulse check repetitions until they were alerted that the patient was a DNR (do not resuscitate) and the team had to stop. Everyone looked absolutely defeated as they had exhausted a lot of strength and resources to try to bring him back, and what had once been an adrenaline-filled atmosphere only a minute before became one of deflated loss. A moment of silence was held, and I could feel the tears fill in my eyes that I didn’t let fall. The team then had to pack up and left and those of us left in the room finished up the necessary charting and paperwork until the patient could be taken to a private room until his family arrived.
I can’t say that I was numb, but I had a swirl of emotions flooding my head that I had to try to put aside to finish my job for the evening. Outwardly, my face was a blank mask, but inside, I was a mess. I’d worked in the trauma bay before. I’ve worked in a hospital for close to five years now. I’ve been in the same room when patients pass and I’ve never let it get to me before, except for the first death that I ever saw in that setting and that was still when I was training as a student almost six years ago. This one hit differently though. For privacy reasons, I can’t repeat what this man’s story was, but let’s just say that even though everyone has their own trials and tragedies in life, this man was dealing with more than most, and all of it through no fault of his own. He didn’t cause any of the bad things that life had thrown at him, but he was dealing with them as best as he could, and I really wish he could have been saved. His family now has to take up his burdens, and I sincerely hope that their woes can be managed and that they are able to get through life without having more punches to the gut when they’re already down. I wept like a baby for this patient when I got home, and all I could do was hold my husband tight as I cried out all of my emotions and hope like hell that I wouldn’t be called in anymore to work seeing as I was still on-call until seven the next morning, which luckily, I wasn’t.
Friday at 7 a.m. dawned and the world became beautiful for me again. It was our 5th wedding anniversary, which was the reason I took the day off from work. I took one of my cats to the vet for his yearly checkup and he checked out with a clean bill of health and didn’t try to eat anyone when he had his wellness check combined with a nail trim and a yearly rabies vaccine. They told me that he had behaved like a gentleman, and when they brought him back to me in his carrier, he just lay there like the contented loaf that he always is. When we got back home, I managed to plant some new plants I’d bought a few days earlier into their new pots and put them back out in the garden where they will hopefully thrive in their new and bigger homes. Watering everything afterwards, with my pumpkin spice latte in hand (hey, I deserved a treat after what I went through the day before), and seeing my resident geckos and tree lizards of all sizes scamper to lap up the water that I had sprayed on the plant leaves for them made my little heart happy. The hubby and I went to lunch at a place we hadn’t been to before, and we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, and even the over-sized Karen sitting at the table next to us provided some entertaining conversation for us. I’m not one for making fun of people, but if you’re being a prick to the wait staff about a possibly non-existent discount that you can’t prove that you have any right to, then you become fodder for ridicule in my eyes. Sorry, not sorry. The rest of the afternoon passed by without incident and we got all dolled up for our anniversary date night at the Pearl Brewery complex where we were going to have dinner and drinks. People watching was the name of the game that evening and we happily sat in the gorgeous bar of the Hotel Emma next door to the elegant hotel library where five and a half years ago was the site of his wedding proposal to me, and where the hotel staff could be seen outside of the glass doors celebrating our new engagement along with us. That place will always hold a special place in our hearts, and it’s always an endorphins rush when we’re able to be there.
Today, the good mood continued after we got ready and went to brunch where we enjoyed some amazing food down on Broadway. Let’s just say that we will definitely be going back seeing as there were about ten other dishes that we both wanted to try on the menu. We also were finally able to go to the Nowhere Bookshop which was an absolute dream and my new-favorite bookstore ever (RIP Hastings. Forever shall you be in my heart). The place is decorated exactly how it feels to be inside my brain, with books lining the shelves in a pleasing way, a cafe that serves both drinks as well as drinky drinks if you get my drift, an area to sit for cafe patrons, and bookish gifts and products that represent my love for cats and the word “fuck.” We passed the time chatting with the baristas and even though I left with a pile of books about two feet high (thanks for the early birthday gift Dad), I still didn’t get to see all of the store and everything that it had to offer. The giant Cheshire cat perched by the door and the spooky window display touched my weird little heart in so many joyful ways. We stopped at Joann’s to pick up some fabric for some upcoming projects we’re going to try in the very near future, and as always happens against our initial intentions, we left spending more than was probably necessary, but some of the stuff was on sale, so I’m using that as my defense for how much we bought. Waiting for us when we got home was another early birthday surprise from Dad, in the form of a brand-new vintage-inspired record player which we promptly hooked up. The first record that got played on it? The Beatles of course, with my recently-purchased mint condition copy of the soundtrack for the movie A Hard Day’s Night. To have an original Beatles record from the 60s playing on my new machine the way it was supposed to be brought me a whole new delight and a yearning for more records. The phrase “roller coaster of emotions” can’t even begin to describe the past few days I’ve lived through, but at the end of the day, I’m still here. Every day is always going to be a new experience in one way or another.
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